Thursday, December 18, 2008

ok...ladies, I guess.

You know, I'm sitting here right now, and honestly, I've got ladies on the brain. I'm reluctant to even touch this subject for SO many reasons. I was at least hoping to make it a month into this blogging thing before I even mentioned ladies, but I can't seem to redirect my thoughts this evening. I promise not to make this a habit.

A few years back, in my dark cubicle, I was told something very scary by a good friend of mine. She said, "Graham, girls ALWAYS know what they're doing." My initial reaction was, "well that simply doesn't compute at all within the 'sugar, spice & everything nice' parameters." Now, however, I do believe her. Growing up, I thought it was only the cruel gents who manipulated the ladies, and clearly it seems two can play at this game. (I'm kind of glad ladies can fight back, but sad they should have reason to)

I'm not sure I have a point here other than to say that I think I'm scared of ladies. For so long I believed they could do no wrong, and now I don't. There is a little piece of my heart that still holds on to the idea of a lady I don't have to fear because she's not playing me like a's but a glimpse of Heaven I keep in a place only God can get to.

Ladies, please don't hear me're not the enemy. We are not as we were meant to be - men and women alike. I've studied the female species for a long time and have heard enough "what I want in a man" lists to concoct a guy most women could swoon over. The thing matter how I conduct myself on the outside, I'm not that guy...not at all...and I never will be. Sadly, like all men with such knowledge, I still (foolishly) try to be that guy at times, I guess when I'm feeling insecure about myself. I've often wondered who I'd be if I hadn't ever been told anything of what women "want to hear," or had never had the expectations of others voiced to me. I bet I'd screw a lot more stuff up than I do now, but at least I'd be genuine. I also bet I'd like that Graham a lot better than the one I know.

I was talking to my friend Andy the other day about my fear of breaking up/hurting somebody, and I blurted this out in frustration: "I don't want to have the right words for that situation." I smiled immediately after saying this. It's one of the most beautiful things I've said in years!!! Why? Because my heart actually said it before my brain could edit it. This came from the sincere/childlike/innocent part of my heart that I've been afraid didn't even exist anymore. Quite literally, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to speak directly and sincerely from the heart. It seems my brain has put a filter on everything my heart wants to say so as to protect me from vulnerability - the cost of which FAR outweighs the benefits...I assure you.

Well, it seems I've got a new mission. I want to hear more of the unadulterated thoughts of my heart. So, watch out gang, it's time for some shooting from the hip.

Thanks for tolerating some girl thoughts. I know I'm not spot is a learning process after all. Something different tomorrow, I promise...Freestyle Friday?!?


  1. You're a good writer, Graham. As a woman, I appreciate hearing your thoughts. I'm sad that women can and do play men "like a fiddle", and that you've experienced this. It's painful and wrong, but so easy to do out of our own insecurities.
    Oh, so many thoughts I have that I could respond to! Keeping a comment brief in this case is difficult so I'll go with this:
    I'm praying for you now that your process of finding the deep, genuine places of your heart will bring you inexplicable joy and a greater understanding of grace and freedom. Keep sharing your deep thoughts!

  2. "I want to hear more of the unadulterated thoughts of my heart."

    i jumped over to your blog tonight, and when i read that, i just...

    my heart just...

    skipped - i need to write that on a post-it and tape it on parents bathroom mirror (since i'm visiting them for christmas) to remind myself everyday that those words were mentioned and moved me. then, un-stick it from their mirror and stick it in my car when i go home, right by the speedometer. or the gas gauge. my friend kelley will be upset cause i'll have to find a new spot for her wallet-size pic.

  3. graham, thank you for sharing. the journey into your heart is probably a brave, wild one well worth your attention. as i friend i can say: that unsafe, unedited heart of yours is a gift to you and others.